Santa's Prayer

Three years ago, a little boy and his grandmother came to see Santa at Mayfair Mall in Wisconson . The child climbed up on his lap, holding a picture of a little girl. 'Who is this?' asked Santa, smiling. 'Your friend? Your sister?'

'Yes, Santa,' he replied. 'My sister, Sarah, who is very sick,' he said sadly.

Santa glanced over at the grandmother who was waiting nearby, and saw her dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

'She wanted to come with me to see you, oh, so very much, Santa!' the child exclaimed. 'She misses you,' he added softly.

Santa tried to be cheerful and encouraged a smile to the boy's face, asking him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas. When they finished their visit, the Grandmother came over to help the child off his lap, and started to say something to Santa, but halted. 'What is it?' Santa asked warmly.

'Well, I know it's really too much to ask you, Santa, but ...' the old woman began, shooing her grandson over to one of Santa's elves to collect the little gift which Santa gave all his young visitors. 'The girl in the photograph ... my granddaughter .... well, you see .. she has leukemia and isn't expected to make it even through the holidays,' she said through tear-filled eyes. 'Is there any way, Santa .... any possible way that you could come see Sarah? That's all she's asked for, for Christmas, is to see Santa.'

Santa blinked and swallowed hard and told the woman to leave information with his elves as to where Sarah was, and he would see what he could do. Santa thought of little else the rest of that afternoon. He knew what he had to do. 'What if it were MY child lying in that hospital bed, dying,' he thought with a sinking heart, 'this is the least I can do.'

When Santa finished visiting with all the boys and girls that evening, he retrieved from his helper the name of the hospital where Sarah was staying. He asked the assistant location manager how to get to Children's Hospital. 'Why?' Rick asked, with a puzzled look on his face. Santa relayed to him the conversation with Sarah's grandmother earlier that day. 'C'mon .... I'll take you there,' Rick said softly.

Rick drove them to the hospital and came inside with Santa. They found out which room Sarah was in. A pale Rick said he would wait out in the hall. Santa quietly peeked into the room through the half-closed door and saw little Sarah on the bed. The room was full of what appeared to be her family; there was the Grandmother and the girl's brother he had met earlier that day.

A woman whom he guessed was Sarah's mother stood by the bed, gently pushing Sarah's thin hair off her forehead. And another woman who he discovered later was Sarah's aunt, sat in a chair near the bed with weary, sad look on her face. They were talking quietly, and Santa could sense the warmth and closeness of the family, and their love and concern for Sarah. Taking a deep breath, and forcing a smile on his face, Santa entered the room, bellowing a hearty, 'Ho, ho, ho!'

'Santa!' shrieked little Sarah weakly, as she tried to escape her bed to run to him, IV tubes intact. Santa rushed to her side and gave her a warm hug. A child the tender age of his own son -- 9 years old -- gazed up at him with wonder and excitement. Her skin was pale and her short tresses bore telltale bald patches from the effects of chemotherapy. But all he saw when he looked at her was a pair of huge, blue eyes. His heart melted, and he had to force himself to choke back tears. Though his eyes were riveted upon Sarah's face, he could hear the gasps and quiet sobbing of the women in the room. As he and Sarah began talking, the family crept quietly to the bedside one by one, squeezing Santa's shoulder or his hand gratefully, whispering 'thank you' as they gazed sincerely at him with shining eyes. Santa and Sarah talked and talked, and she told him excitedly all the toys she wanted for Christmas, assuring him she'd been a very good girl that year. As their time together dwindled, Santa felt led in his spirit to pray for Sarah, and asked for permission from the girl's mother. She nodded in agreement and the entire family circled around Sarah's bed, holding hands.

Santa looked intensely at Sarah and asked her if she believed in angels. 'Oh, yes, Santa ... I do!' she exclaimed.

'Well, I'm going to ask that angels watch over you, 'he said. Laying one hand on the child's head, Santa closed his eyes and prayed. He asked that God touch little Sarah, and heal her body from this disease He asked that angels minister to her, watch and keep her. And when he finished praying, still with eyes closed, he started singing softly, 'Silent Night, Holy Night - all is calm, all is bright.' The family joined in, still holding hands, smiling at Sarah, and crying tears of hope, tears of joy for this moment, as Sarah beamed at them all. When the song ended, Santa sat on the side of the bed again and held Sarah's frail, small hands in his own.

'Now, Sarah,' he said authoritatively, 'you have a job to do, and that is to concentrate on getting well. I want you to have fun playing with your friends this summer, and I expect to see you at my house at Mayfair Mall this time next year!' He knew it was risky proclaiming that, to this little girl who had terminal cancer, but he 'had' to. He had to give her the greatest gift he could -- not dolls or games or toys -- but the gift of HOPE.

'Yes, Santa!' Sarah exclaimed, her eyes bright.

He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and left the room. Out in the hall, the minute Santa's eyes met Rick's, a look passed between them and they wept unashamed. Sarah's mother and grandmother slipped out of the room quickly and rushed to Santa's side to thank him.

'My only child is the same age as Sarah,' he explained quietly. 'This is the least I could do.' They nodded with understanding and hugged him.

One year later, Santa Mark was again back on the set in Milwaukee for his six-week, seasonal job which he so loves to do. Several weeks went by and then one day a child came up to sit on his lap. 'Hi, Santa! Remember me?!'

'Of course, I do,' Santa proclaimed (as he always does), smiling down at her. After all, the secret to being a 'good' Santa is to always make each child feel as if they are the 'only' child in the world at that moment.

'You came to see me in the hospital last year!' Santa's jaw dropped. Tears immediately sprang in his eyes, and he grabbed this little miracle and held her to his chest. 'Sarah!' he exclaimed. He scarcely recognized her, for her hair was long and silky and her cheeks were rosy -- much different from the little girl he had visited just a year before. He looked over and saw Sarah's mother and grandmother in the sidelines smiling and waving and wiping their eyes.

That was the best Christmas ever for Santa Claus. He had witnessed --and been blessed to be instrumental in bringing about -- this miracle of hope. This precious little child was healed. Cancer-free. Alive and well. He silently looked up to Heaven and humbly whispered, 'Thank you, Father. 'Tis a very, Merry Christmas!'

Snopes, Santa Mark (sent by Becka)

That's My Name, Don't Wear It Out

from David.

This is an interesting look at all the different ways people's names are formulated. We're not all FirstName LastName. Read more...

Billy Graham

from Steve

Billy Graham is now 88 years old with Parkinson's disease. In 2000, leaders in Charlotte, North Carolina, invited their favorite son, Billy Graham, to a luncheon in his honor. Billy initially hesitated to accept the invitation because he struggles with the Parkinson's. But the Charlotte leaders said, "We don't expect a major address. Just come and let us honor you." So he agreed. After wonderful things were said about him, Dr. Graham stepped to the rostrum, looked at the crowd, and said:

"I'm reminded today of Albert Einstein, the great physicist who this month has been honored by Time magazine as the Man of the Century. Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Dr. Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, "Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it. Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said, "Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one."

Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'"

Having said that Billy Graham continued, "See the suit I'm wearing? It's a brand new suit. My wife, my children, and my grandchildren are telling me I've gotten a little slovenly in my old age. I used to be a bit more fastidious. So I went out and bought a new suit for this luncheon and one more occasion. You know what that occasion is? This is the suit in which I'll be buried. But when you hear I'm dead, I don't want you to immediately remember the suit I'm wearing. I want you to remember this: I not only know who I am -- I also know where I'm going."

Jury Duty Scam

from Mike

The following describes a very cute scam for identity theft. It's worth reading. The veracity of the assertions can be determined through the FBI Web site, A link appears at the end of this email.

Jury Duty Scam

Please pass this on to everyone in your email address book. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced.

The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.

The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma, Illinois, and Colorado. This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.
Source: http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm

Human Tetris

from Rob

Christmas with a capital C

Wal*Mart Cake

from David

The person ordering told them to write: "Best Wishes, Suzanne and underneath that write We will miss you."

This is the cake that was delivered.

It's Creed from "The Office"

from Lori.

Sense

from Katie

Wake Up

from Allison.

Lifehouse Everything

from Leticia

The Trinity

from Lori

One Semester of Spanish - Spanish Love Song

from Alicia

Military Posturing

from Allison

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in
1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Dancing Steve

From another Steve.

Seriously

Bizarre. Just bizarre. From Steve.

Mint Fart?

from Allison

Deer Jumps Over Cyclist

from Rob (who describes deers as "hooved rats")

More Thriller

Lori sure has a thing for thriller dances. Perhaps she wishes we had done it our wedding?

Great Puppet Show

Yeah, not normally one for hand-shadow puppets (who is?) but this is pretty amazing.
from Chris

Vote for Pineapple

from Mark. Honestly, I'm not sure I get it. But it is different.

Subtle Potty Humor for Adults

At Least She's Got Her Looks

Wow. Just... wow.

Thriller Inmates

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Never Question a Drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

• A half-gallon of 2% milk,
• A carton of eggs,
• A quart of orange juice,
• A head of romaine lettuce,
• A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
• A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

The Final, Final Countdown

After they were done, the song was locked up and no one was allowed to ever cover it. Apple was instructed to remove it from everyone's iPod. And black ops broke into people's houses and stole their CDs.

You know it's going to bad when the person sends it you sends the personal note "ow, my ears!" along with the email. From Lori. Without further ado...

Carlin's New Rules 2007

Supposedly from George Carlin. courtesy of Allison.

NEW RULES FOR 2007 BY GEORGE CARLIN

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years --- you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting so shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, the chili cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids; lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket --- water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label . And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport, it's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving. It's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: This one is long overdue. No more bathroom attendants.. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When! I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available square inch of flesh on your body. If you do, then plan your future around saying, Do you want fries with that?"

The Ostrich

from Marcus

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same" says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer, "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket ever time?'

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there", says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

Kid calls 911 for help with math

And apparently the dispatcher was bored / having a slow day.



from Marcus (featured on Jay Leno)

heh

From David. Funnier, IMHO, if you don't know (ahead of time) what it is you're watching.

High Speed Video

Cool stuff. Don't worry, pigeon doesn't get shot.

Complaint Choir

Apparently there's a number of complaint choirs, some better than others. The related videos will take you to a great Nintendo Choir and some Honda Parody Choirs.

Bad Place Names

from Marcus

The 22 Worst Place Names in the World

READ THE ARTICLE AT DRIVL.COM

What Your Icons Do When You're Sleeping

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

Politically Correct

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2 He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

Frivolous & Not Funny!

The "Stella Award" - for the most frivolous lawsuits in the U. S., was started in honor of Stella Liebeck, the 81-year-old lady who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds for having served her hot coffee.

The following were this year's candidates:

1. Kathleen Robideaux of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little brat was Mrs. Robideaux's. own son.

2. A 19-year-old, Seth Truman of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. A Terrence Forrest of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Forrest found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Amish of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Miss Amish threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Jerry Flynt of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Flynt who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

6. Kara Dent of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Dent was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner was:

Mr. Merv Douglaston of Oklahoma City. Mr. Douglaston purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having merged onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Douglaston sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of their court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles).

Dixie Chicks: Never Apologize

from Lori

Microsoft Table Parody

from Fake Steve

Starwars Robot Chicken

part 1

part 2

part 3

LOST Plane Crash Synchronized

Stuff from different LOST episodes spliced together in chronological order. from Todd.

Banned Beer Commercial

from Marcus

Nicely Done

Connected Ventures. found at http://www.crunchnotes.com/?p=404

Rachel's Big Beefy Balls

A Rachel Ray rip reminiscent of Alec Baldwin's Schwetty Balls.
http://rachaelraysballs.ytmnd.com/

New Drug: OxyClinton

Shaun the Sheep 1!

From Lori

Good Morning, Don Lafontaine

from ...?

The Irish Sex Fairy

(from Marcus)

Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word!              

I'm not messing with the Irish Sex Fairy!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.        

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.        

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!        

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.        

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts  blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you.

The "Irish Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life.        

You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 5 hours after you read it.

Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.

I sent it to 122 people so, If you don't hear from me for a few days you will know why!!!! 
 

God can use YOU

from Alicia...

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember..

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zacchaeus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer..AND
Lazarus was dead!

Now! No more excuses!

God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the Message, you are just the messenger.

1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.

3. Growing old is inevitable ... Growing UP is Optional.

4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always Open.

5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never Misquoted.

6. Do the math .. Count your blessings.

7. Faith is the ability to not panic.

8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

9. If you worry, you didn't pray . If you pray, Don't worry.

10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling Home everyday.

11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

12. The most important things in your house are the People.

13 When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to
be still so He can untangle the knot.

14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Sage Advice

from Marcus

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will
be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Scam Alert: Checking for Ticks

from Alicia
------------

Hey People,

Here's a scam update.

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but this one is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail
list.

If Someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and
dance around with your arms up ... DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!! They
only want to see you naked...

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.