Today's Spam

• Your member will grow like a flower but it will never fade like it.

Um... yeah... back when Friends was on the air, wasn't flower young-Monica's codeword for her genders' stuff?

Spam

Subject lines of spam I received today:

• Do you want to feel like a fish in the river at diplomatic meetings?
• Nominate someone for a degree
• Now you don't have to make love only to ugly women.

No Sissy Friendship Poem

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!!

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

(from Leticia)

Curiosity

(thanks, Rob)

The other day I was out walking and I came upon a construction site..

As I got closer, I could hear a group of workers chanting  -- "13, 13, 13"

So this got my curiosity up, and I walked closer to site, but there was a tall board fence that prevented me from seeing over..  I then saw a gap in the boards and went over to take a look to see what was going on

Then some JERK! poked me in the eye with a friggen stick   And then all of a sudden, the workers started up the chant again -- "14, 14, 14."

10 Dumbest Viral Marketing Campaigns

A must read.  From Skip.

New Office Policy

(from Alicia)

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank You


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Balance

from Leticia...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."