No Sissy Friendship Poem

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!!

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

(from Leticia)

Curiosity

(thanks, Rob)

The other day I was out walking and I came upon a construction site..

As I got closer, I could hear a group of workers chanting  -- "13, 13, 13"

So this got my curiosity up, and I walked closer to site, but there was a tall board fence that prevented me from seeing over..  I then saw a gap in the boards and went over to take a look to see what was going on

Then some JERK! poked me in the eye with a friggen stick   And then all of a sudden, the workers started up the chant again -- "14, 14, 14."

10 Dumbest Viral Marketing Campaigns

A must read.  From Skip.

New Office Policy

(from Alicia)

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank You


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Balance

from Leticia...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

So he just dances and dances and dances. And he dances like me. And someone pays for him to travel. Nice.

Pork and Beans

From Alicia. Here's a good breakdown of all the featured call-backs:
http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,25642,23772877-5014108,00.html

LOST Flash-Forwards in 8:42

Someone's best guess as to the ordering of the flash-forwards.

Tag Galaxy

So cool....


Visit the Tag Galaxy directly.

The Mean Kitty Song

I liked this one much better.

White People Like to Rap About Their Cats

Sheesh. From Lori.

Again and Again

This is weird. Cooler than what I found on YouTube that appears to be the official music video.

Kids' Rock by Tim Hawkins

ha. from Alicia.

Retro-Encabulator

More details / why I posted this.

Funny Photo

from Lori. No caption necessary.

For Real?

The Hawaii Chair. Scary.

Flicker Letters

courtesy of Spell With Flicker (just change the text at the end of the URL, using + for spaces. If you don't like a letter, click for a different one. At the end, you'll have the ability to copy the code to your own site.) Not entirely sure why, on here, they're each on their own line. I chalk this up to Blogger.

Harp Made of Laser Beams

from Engadget

Augmented Reality

Holograms on a Catwalk

Cool.



Learn more...

Where's Chuck?

Ok... just for fun... go to Google and type in "find Chuck Norris" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"

Puppy vs. Robot

from Engadget

Retired People

from Mike:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08"

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

Economic Models

from Allison

ALTRUISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and the State takes one and gives it to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire the fired cow back as a consultant at twice what you were paying her to analyze why the other cow is quitting.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re- engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and shoot the newsman who reported the real situation.

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

ENRON PRIVATE EQUITY MODEL: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Bad Science

1. When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
   
   
2. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.
   
   
3. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalise the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
   
   
4. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
   
   
5. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
   
   
6. Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
   
   
7. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.
   
   
8. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

A Letter To The Cats

Dear Cats,

We need to talk.

1. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two cats in the way.
   
   
2. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
   
   
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
   
   
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm.
   
   
5. My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends to play with.
   
   
6. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory.
   
   
7. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It should be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,
The Person Who Lives Here (and buys your food).

Rejected by Cheeseburger

BeatBearing

Very cool. More on Engadget.